Feb 12, 2016

Losing a Voice

I've come to realise that I have lost my voice. No, not my actual voice with vocal chords and all, but my writing one... which in a way, feels exactly the same.

The thing about losing your voice is that it's a lot like losing your "self". And that can be scary.

For me, it means not knowing how to say what I want to--and when I do, it sounds wrong. So for a while, I've been too scared to write anything. And by anything, I mean everything from emails and texts to poetry and stories. Even writing essays and homework was too much, which meant I gave up on assignments before even trying. At some point, I even had to stop work because I was just in way over my head.

I'm not quite proud of that, but it seemed like the better alternative. Facing the paper was too hard, and not because of a lack in ideas or motivation, but because it felt foreign. And that was scary to me. Writing never felt foreign to me. It was almost always what helped me deal with emotions and stress, thoughts and regrets. Writing was my tool and my voice. So not being able to use it was ... well ... difficult.

And if I'm being honest with myself, I don't know if I've "gotten over it" yet. I may be momentarily "okay," but I just don't feel the same. I'm not "cured" completely, but maybe I'm missing the point. It's not about finding a cure and regaining my voice. It's about dealing with it.

And I guess I'm writing this to say that I am--dealing with it. Slowly, but ... well ... yeah. It's a post more for my sake than anything else. For me and for anyone who has ever felt the same way.